How do people you know react towards you?

[Daniel]

How do others treat you in terms of treating you like anyone else when you're around them? What I mean is that I measure my intellectual improvment based on how comfortably and normally I can fit into a room occupied by others conversing and there appears to be 2.5 ways people react when I'm around :

Terribly : some make insinuitive comments under the assumption that I can't tell or understand
when in fact I do, or there's a very simple way of addressing me based on their
trying very diligently to speak clearly (not so predominant now)

GOOD : I'm treated normally, like anyone else in the room and it is overlooked that there is a
problem

.5 : people are respectfull but when they chose to address me they mention only those things
designed as their own insight into how I can better improve (ie suggestions and so forth)

I find the .5 part particularly distressing as there's always an assumption I want to hear it even though I spend most of the day trying to do just what's being suggested. Rehab feels like, for lack of a better term, my current job - so when someone says something like "hey, y'know what? you should really try...yadayadayada" it feels like I'm being told off for doing something wrong in my job when in fact I'm doing all I can.

I'm finding that a large part of recovery is feeling confident about myself - things work better when I'm convinced they will (eg less likely to become lightheaded when crossing the road when I'm sure I won't, as opposed to just thinking positively).
How do you deal with the attitudes of others around you - family, friends, complete strangers - does any time when they're negative towards you effect the way you feel in terms of your health?

[tobecome]

I would say that having some family members not being touch with me..is pretty much "ignoring my existence and hurts the most. I'm hopeful that one day not to long from now a resolution will happen. There are sometimes I want to prove to them or whoever else that I am competent..etc.. So I would say that how they don't interact with me effects my health..sometimes feeling depressed and other times angry, But I have to be at peace with myself no matter what. So that's my goal.
tish

[Daniel]

Do you find it, as I can sense from your response, to be a motivation to continue doing all you can to recover to your satisfaction? I mean, it seems to me that there are two ways to see the reactions of people towards encephalitis, the first of which I adopted initially, the second afterwards :

1) People see me differently now or lesser through my brain injury proving to be like a mask hiding my former self and personality and it feels irrepairable so I may as well just get used to it, (or)

2) People who I used to associate with in my former life have taken handling this in a less than supportive way so I'm going to use their subsequent reactions towards me as a way of gauging whether I'm improving or not

(2), to me, while perhaps being a little selfish, is no less offensive than someone who you used to know acting reprehensibly towards you. I had a good friend of 10 years openly ridicule me in front of my other friends when I went to see them post discharge as he felt I'd simply forget about it and he could do that whenever he chose to. The others, subsequently, saw his failed attempt at humour as tasteless but nevertheless they felt too uncomfortable thereafter to want to know me. At that point in time I was very brain injured still and obviously somewhat distressed by the day in question.
Since then, I've met one or two of those guys (there were about 10 before) who seem to be genuinely interested in still knowing me, albeit with increasing discomfort as I continue to improve as they see now that being so absent has made things much, much harder than I feel they should've been.
They, as I understand it, have also segregated the other guy as it's become apparent to them that he's played a part in my absence and therefore contributed to their discomfort (I'm guessing) - he's gone to a different city to work now, whether or not as a direct result I could care less, but nonetheless the actions of him alone socially crippled me for two years and even now, still, I wonder if I even want to still know the others. Normally I'd say no without question, but it's made harder because the alternative is continuing as is - in solitude except for family and acquired online/gym friends whom I've since met and despite knowing that there seems to still be an opportunity to have those old friends back I'm not so sure I want to know people who'd just get on with their own lives and forget about a friend of ten years who's in less than ideal health.
My goal, therefore, is to continue to not dwell on this except for those one or two isolated points in time like this posting and continue to surge forward in my recovery with the ambition of one day, indirectly making that initial friend see what a mistake he made on that day - whether or not he even recalls the moment I mean I could care less, I just live and rehab for the satisfaction of ignoring him in public knowing that I've contradicted his insensitivity of that single moment.
I don't deny it's a sad way to see things but at this point I'm willing to see things in whatever way necessary (legally, of course) in order to improve.
I think some people, and I'm no example of not being one such person, need to learn how their actions impact the lives of others and that their own assumptions can sometimes have a devastating effect, or - as I try to see it - a motivational one.

[tobecome]

it's kind not depleting energy..but using it for your own good.
I also feel like I hope to get to a point where I can see my brothers and have them recognize all I have accomplished..ie..work, relationships, health..

[Daniel]

Hi 2become, haven't spoken in a while with you - do you mind if I ask about this, as it seems to be an issue for you, do you feel as though some around don't value all you've accomplished? Personally, and although we don't know each other except in an online capacity, I find that people only tend to see what they want to. My parents, to whom I owe my life through this recovery (that's actually no exaggeration either), only want to see me well and living a normal life - my siblings are the same but in a 'hurry up and don't be such a burden on mum and dad' kind of way (not intended vindictively) - from there it spaces out to my asshole x-friends who thought of every conceivable excuse to lose their patience.
The point I'm getting at is this - the harder someone tries to support you the more they begin to see how hard you're working at repairing yourself which is no implication that some don't try, more that some don't know what to do so do what they do in order to appear passable in not doing much.
I have a brother in law who's a real tosser (bad thing), and he only does anything to impress my sister and mum and dad, and that includes belittling me in order to make himself look great, but in an indirect way so he can't be held accountable by my sister or parents. Initially he got away with it - a fesicious comment here and there and he looked very witty, but as I've improved it's become obvious that I think very little of him and he comes around less and when he's here he's very quiet now around me (I'm not a confrontational person, just tactful).
Anyway, point is that seeing him for how he is, is like payoff in that I'm recovered enough to know when someone is being condescending. To me, although you suggest a lack in understanding on the part of your brothers for what you've achieved, just realizing you've achieved much, as opposed to being in a neurological dreamworld of not realizing much of anything is something which I think should be held above all else.
I've only known you a short while online but I can sure see someone who's accomplished much and I personally aspire to the same level of independence you've achieved. If you feel like you're underappreciated, allow me to say that what little I know of you is something which I feel compelled to emulate in my own life like the work, relationships, health and so forth.

[tobecome]

daniel,
i just read this note of yours and can understand the part where you say when people suggest things that might make you feel like your already in charge of this job..your rehab. I'm courious about the feeling confidient vs. thinking positively? Do you think they are connected on some level? Just a thought...
Well do know that you are doing a great job and that you have encouraged others..myself and others.
take care,
tish

[Daniel]

I think having the ability to think positively is the result of earning confidence, and I'll elaborate on what I mean : I may or may not have mentioned to you before that I suffer from a *slowly* repairing symptom called 'presyncopal lightheadedness' (if unsure it simply means I get vertigo/dizziness due to my brain being unable to handle the increased blood flow caused by nervousness or fear) - there's an innocuous and quiet street near where I live which I couldn't cross for the life of me without getting halfway and nearly fainting - and often I'd approach it thinking, 'this is going to go terribly, I could be about to committ suicide if a car comes along' - naturally, I was hesitant at the curb and I'd tentatively dangle a foot off the edge in an attempt to force myself to try : I tried, and failed over and over and over again until one day I asked myself,
'why is this happening? What can I do to minimize the problem?'
I went home and searched the net until I found the medical term 'presyncopal lightheadedness' and the description seemed to be perfect - my doctor even looked surprised and agreed that it was likely the name of the problem.
From there, I discovered that the route of the dizziness is the circulation of blood, and this is largely due to two reasons :

- Brain injury
- Fear causing accelerated heartrate with resulting increased blood circulation

Both problems *are* potentially repairable - the brain, post brain injury in my understanding, heals naturally at about a mm/day, but maybe more if properly encouraged by exercise - the gym, and my own home equipment began to raise personal fitness levels and cardiovascular fitness, along with optimizing the circulation of bloodflow to the brain. As my fitness increased, I discovered a wider margin for error at *that* street - sometimes I *could* hesitate, and it would be okay, but was still problematic.
I monitored and counted the number of times I felt faint on my daily walk and the reasons for such things happening - it began at 3x/walk usually, then 2x, then once, then occasionally only and by this stage I felt more confident when I walked out the door that in all likelihood all would be fine - I even worked it out from a 350% chance of it happening on average to where it is now at about 23%.
Today, when I leave to go walking, I don't hesitate at the door, when I approach *that* street, I just cross after doing a brief check that I'm set, rather than hesitating out of fear.

I think this describes self confidence and thinking positively about as well I possibly can : I approach that street feeling confident that I can and will cross it safely and therefore I have a much more positive attitude when I step to the edge before setting off, but only because I understand very clearly why the lightheadedness occurred and retrained my body to tolerate the effect now.

Hope this helps you to understand the way I see it - I've been labelled eccentric by some in my family, but if it works - do it, I say.

[tobecome]

thank you for sharing.
take care,
tish

[tobecome]

daniel,
thank you for this kind note. I think I need it this a.m.
take care,
tish

[Stephen]

Tish - Daniel is great, isn't he?!!!

My family has a hard time seeing what I have accomplished or that I have accomplished anything of lasting value. (They see Elizabeth the same way, but that's another story. Elizabeth is the most amazing, creative teacher I've ever come across!!! Amazing!!!)

Apart from E and my new limitations, being a minister means that my income isn't anything to brag about!! We have a small, modest home in need of many repairs. My kids don't wear name brand clothes. For the most part - except for the needed repairs - we are content. But my siblings live in big houses and drive new cars. They have job security and/or marketability. We are looked down on by family. They feel sorry for us. When the E situation is placed on top of this it makes things worse. I have to admit that, like Tish, sometimes I get depressed... not about the "stuff I/we do or do not have, but to be honest I guess I have moments where I feel sorry for myself. Those are the times when the confidence you have talked about has to kick in. After 3 years post E, I am beginning to have more confidence that this isn't going to completely ruin my life.

I appreciate these discussions!

[Daniel]

Actually, I can relate to the being looked down upon/felt sorry for feelings you get from family - my parents/biological brother+sister/sister in law all want to do whatever they can to help out, and if my improvment continues then I'll thank god when I see him/her to have been blessed with such people. I think, conversely, my new brother in law sees me instead as the insignificant afterthought of the family he's just married into, rather than someone to respect (he's about 10 years my senior) - since marrying my sister, it's become obvious that he rates himself more highly in this family and where once he'd have been neutrally opinionated and grease up to mum and dad (successfully, admittedly), now he's very opinionated and insinuative about the way he feels I'm handling things.
Without going into great depth, were he still a boyfriend, I'd react, but by being related to him I'm now instead compelled to just smile and nod out of respect to my sister.

Incidentally, through reading of yourself on the site and in having just learned of your ministerial duties, I reckon you have a whole heap to brag about and to be motivated enough to do this, work with teens, be a webmaster *and* maintain a strong relationship with someone who is obviously a great lady, says to me that you're a somewhat underrated man.

Family may have their own cars, careers and whatever else you mention - I have that crisis also, but the ability to persevere with your own life and emerge from a grim situation with a positive outlook on life and maintain strong relationships with those who are special to you is worth 10x all that put together and doubled - what you own is priceless, and what you offer to those on this site by having a place to come, vent, mingle and learn from others means a great deal to me.

[tobecome]

I second this notion..very well put...
press on...
tish

[tobecome]

no one can make you look down and that is key to this life..it's all about looking up!
cheers to looking up...
tish