Your fluctuations in the way you are

[Daniel]

Like anyone, I find that first thing in the morning is a difficult time in terms of being able to function - lethargy and standing upright after however many hours of being horizontal usually results in the exascerbation in many of my symptoms - speech deficit, coordinative failure, lethargy and so forth. Then, after fully awakening, there's always this sensation I get in my mind of,
'I feel fine, today I don't need to worry about a darned thing - dizziness, speech and so forth - all gone and I'm right as rain'

I never used to think like this throughout recovery because of two reasons :
- the tinnitus in my head which is now virtually gone being once so apparent
- my double vision, which is close to gone now also, being once always so evident

Both of these problems worsen in the morning, and towards the end of the day, which makes me think that fatigue and the ability to overcome it, plays an *enormous* role in improving from this virus.

As I sit here tonight and type this discussion, I feel fine, I feel 100% for all money but, should the telephone ring and I answer, or there's a need to leave the house and travel to town, my lingering symptoms almost seem like they're waiting at these key points of stress - the phone, the street nearby, the door to the bus I'd take and so forth, in order to present themselves once more.

Which brings me to my point. Sometimes, I can speak and sound fine - this is possibly apparent in my video postings as I've detected a fluctuation in voice clarity on them - sometimes I sound fine, other times a little dozy.

When I leave home to go somewhere, crossing roads and getting on or off buses now goes fine 90% of the time, but occasionally it just seems to slip backwards in one moment and symptoms present again, thwarting my confidence and sense of them possibly being gone.

For any who consider either their overall health or some previously awful yet now virtually absent symptom of the condition now recovered or vastly improved, do you find that certain times of the day or situations seem to just make it come back almost instantly - like what/when?

For example, I speak to a family member and my voice sounds fine and I sound confident, yet I go to the shops to buy whatever and it almost instantly develops an element of confusion or slurry sound.
I cross the street nearby and feel fine, no problem, yet in the middle of town, although I no longer experience full episodes of dizziness, I do sometimes get momentary jolts of it unexpectedly.

How do you find your symptoms fluctuating? Where do they seem best and worst? Why do you think this is the case?

[Daniel]

I went for my walk this morning (Saturday) and, while walking past the entranceway to a small shopping centre, came across my older cousin (early 40s) and her husband with their young child as they drove out. They stopped after waving to me and wound down the window.

I should firstly say that, while both are incredibly nice people, I've received a little indirect criticizm from the husband in a 'whatever, you're going nowhere and don't know what you're on about' sort of sense. So, upon approaching the car as they pulled out of the entranceway and along the side of the road, I felt nervous about seeing any sort of condescention in their expressions or voices,

'There, there, Danny,' I imagined them thinking as I leant over the window to say hi, 'I'm sure you'll be fine in no time' I imagined them thinking as I calmly said hello and asked how they were doing.

The predictable conversation of how things in rehab are going and what am I doing in life right now ensued, but something had changed in the way they spoke. They no longer appeared full of humour or even condescending - sure, they sounded a little doubtful when I told them I feel 90%, but they looked more uncertain of how to be rather than giving off any sort of critical vibe.

As I said goodbye to them and continued home, I cursed myself because my voice had sounded a little shaky, though without any stuttering. This doesn't happen when I feel confident at all.

I just know that this was an a-typical situation of fluctuating appearance based on my own paranoid doubts about my appearance. They didn't see what I did, they saw a guy who appeared largely well and it surprised them as I seemed worse when I saw them last.

Fluctuations in competency, I think, a squarely attributed to how you see yourself - positively or negatively.