Knowing when things change for the better

[Daniel]

This year (2009) has seen many, many changes and improvments in my health : the ability to work on a voluntary basis, regulating my rehab routine from everyday down to 3 days/week at greater intensity, to allow time for vocational progress, seemingly reobtaining my license to travel freely within the city (albeit feeling like I'm on a restricted permitt rather than a full license - it tends to be revoked when it gets dark), and numerous other things that until recently I didn't realize had progressed to such a degree.

A year ago, had you seen me *anywhere*, you'd have said to yourself possibly something like,
"Well, there's someone with health problems" - as I walked a little awkwardly, my eyes flickered with the astigmatism, I sounded unusual with my speech, and I had a noticeable perpensity to become dizzy under almost any circumstances. A year ago, all this was good news and improvment on the preceding year.

Today, I was in the changing rooms at the YMCA gym here in central Christchurch when an elderly chap using a crutch walks in and places his gear on the seat next to me and says hi to me and then asked a very strange question,

"What brings you here today, are you training for something?" he asked, and I was gobsmacked, utterly mystified that this man had not seen I was recovering from a serious brain injury, so I replied giving him the benefit of the doubt under the assumption that perhaps he had just not seen what I felt was so obvious,

"I've been unwell for 4 years," I said in the most polite voice I could manage (I hate explaining myself in person), "I'm here to get well again" I finished, surprised that I hadn't stuttered or even sounded perculiar. The gentleman stared at me momentarily with fixed eyes as though he felt I was high, his disbelief was somewhat evident - and not the confidence-boosting-I'll-make-this-guy-feel-good-for-a-moment sort of thing, an expression of his hearing an answer he simply did not expect.

Subsequently, I asked about his crutch useage and he said he'd just had an ankle operation recently, but I couldn't help but feel fascinated by this moment in time - someone who didn't know I was in recovery.....an utter first and a moment I think I'll never forget.

I promised myself 4 years ago that, like the song above says, I would do anything to make myself better (well, it's 'you' in the song, but that'd just be plain weird) and today was a sign that this promise is being fulfilled and I simply had not realized that the degree with which I've come to achieving my ambitions in recovery are close to the point now where it's not immediately obvious there's a problem.

I've stated on this site previously that I believe reclaiming ones health from encephalitis is heavily influenced by self confidence, but I think a major part of regaining self confidence comes in not taking yourself for granted and assuming things are as bad as you think they are when they may not be - how you see yourself, and how others see you often are completely different it seems.

Apologies if anyone takes offense to this self promotion, I just think it's an important point, and I got a thing for Brooke Fraser (and this song also......and 2 minute instant noodles, horror movies and rock music...but that's another blog)

[Hope]

Oh YES!
(Is it? Die or die trying?)

I myself have grown emensly through my studies, but you are really growing also I am super *PROUD* of you.
You have really helped me *unmeasuriably*
THANKYOU!

[Daniel]

I see this blog as proof of the self belief title you put (or once put if you've since changed it) at the top of your page. I see recovery of this nature like building the worlds biggest sandcastle on a hot day - either you can be assed finishing the job and build it, or you flag it and go for ice cream instead, at the expense of the ultimate satisfaction initially strived for. I feel I've learned a great deal about self belief *and* self criticisms : the only time you have any right to be critical of yourself is when you stop rebuilding your life, and I'm sure you share my sentiment when I say that the day I stop trying to improve is the day I die.

[Hope]

I am in complete AWE!

Wow, in the way you talk, it's so different from when we first started talking.

Have I told you how extremly proud I am to be able to call you a friend :)