Mood Swings

[Kathy Repko]

Went into a deep depression for weeks..... not going out of the house, not eating much and just overwhelmed with the feeling of giving up. Now, with regrets, I realized that the best thing to do was to have gotten into my car, got back out there and into nature and the world of the "living". Why is it that when I feel so depressed, I throw away my treasured belongings and clothing that was new and/or in good condition and kept my old clothing I've been wearing fo years. When asked by one of my family members, the only reason I could give her was that it must be a form of self-punishment. But I've been feeling much better these days, especially with the taking of an anti-depressant from my PCP.

[faith]

Hi Kathy,
before i got sick i had a job that i absolutely loved (lecturer) and was on my way to obtaining my PhD... although i was an archeologist by trade, i was doing a PhD on the development of sexuality in women who had been raised by mothers with post traumatic stress syndrome from sexual abuse...something i had worked for many years to achieve. being a researcher and an academic was my dream, my goal and i had finally made it. i was in career heaven, i loved it so much. both the work and the research.
when i lost all of that due to E, i was emotionally and i must say even spiritually devastated.
It was such a huge aspect of my identity and the whole way i had of seeing myself. I had worked so hard to get there... i never finished high school and went back to uni at age 30, i started uni when my third child was just 3 months old and had my 4th child while doing my 3rd year. i was a single mother from the end of my 3rd year until recently.
i think the single hardest aspect of E is this whole restructuring of the 'self' ... how we see ourselves as capable working individuals is an important aspect of self, and having a job that makes us feel worthwhile and capable and is stimulating, doing something that we enjoy is so important.... when i was left staring at the possibility of never being able to hold down a job that i found stimulating ... and reflected my interests ... i was totally depressed!!
but as time has gone on, it comes and goes as i explore options for a working life again... i am very lucky though...at the moment my husband has a good job and we can afford for me to take my time and find that special job.
good luck with your psychologist... i hope it helps as much as mine did.
if you ever want to talk i am here.
cheers,
faith

[Kathy Repko]

I've started seeing a psychologist that I had been seeing before my illness. I think the one thing that bothers me most is that I lost a very good job that was fulilling in nature by physically and emotionally draining. The dreams cointinue of not being able to perform the duties of a legal secretary. Guess that fact is buried deep in my subconscious. "Loss of self" is how I once described it to someone many years ago. Another counselor in neuro-rehab told me I didn't have to explain it to anyone, but ppl ask "what about a job?." I have a cashier a few times and worked in department stores - not exactly fulfilling but I liked the opportunity of talking to ppl. In fact, I'll be standing in line at a grocery store, I can strike up a conversation with a stranger, although some are not receptive. I attiribute it to the brain illness. I grew up a shy, timid person; but in this wasy, my personality has changed. No longer am I afraid to express myself or speak out. I feel this has been the one positive outcome of the illness. However, there are times I ramble on......bipolar disorder.

[faith]

Hi Kathy,
i experience similar periods... talked to my psychologist about them, there is some debate about the organic causes from residual E issues... I personally think my down swings are organic in nature and not all emotionally based.
I have found that if i can make myself go for a walk everyday that this has a definite positive effect on my moods and myself maintenance.
I have found regular visits with a psychologist to be an incredibly helpful part of my recovery... as he explains it... what has happened to you is just as impactful and emotionally the same as someone diagnosed with cancer or any other life threatening illness... and we dont go getting down on cancer patients who may feel a little blue at times!!!
so be gentle with yourself... life post E is not always a picnic and it is little wonder that we run out of steam at times!
take care and if you ever want to chat i am here.
faith

[Elizabeth]

I think depression is just a part of post e for so many survivors. Taking an anti depressant perhaps for years or life is definitely needed. Family members don't always understand the residuals of 'e'...there are many to deal with, depression just being one. Glad to know you are feeling better now though. Keep us updated.