Summarizing work at the end of my 9 month stint there

[Daniel]

I began to work voluntarily at the Adult Reading Assistance Scheme (ARAS) in January of this year, doing general office duties and basic library tasks (it's a library, obviously) while tutors, students of language (one on one tuition offered there), and the general public came and went.

I didn't understand a darn thing for the first month or so of turning up there. I was scared stiff of being put into a position of meeting work standards and, though only expected to be there a few hours a week, I often stayed for 5 or 6 - not because I'm super diligent, but I was that darned slow that I required that length of time.

I forgot how to do work there and, due to my own formerly extreme lack of self confidence, I generally didn't ask how to do what I was told to do properly and instead just busied myself by arranging out of place shelves, putting back books or some other, essentially useless job. I know they knew I was doing nothing, but they were patient and, in time, I figured out how to use the computer system, to issue books, do returns and so forth. Processing what came in suddenly became clear after the first couple of months and even the staff members there no longer seemed like patrolling guards watching for me to fail, but workmates who were only concerned for the efficient running of the library and a comfortable working environment.

By the end of the 2nd or 3rd month, I was doing an 'adequate' job (my own analysis) - below standard, but largely acceptable. I got to know a couple of regular members of the public who often frequented there and, initially, I'd hear myself speak to them and sound like a 10 year old, though my thoughts were fine in my head, 'Why can't you speak like you think?' I asked as I kept trying to communicate to these people.

By the 4th or 5th month of working there, I was no longer afraid at all of going in. I was even going there and returning home independently which, when on a timeframe of having a starting time, creates stress and the exascerbation of symptoms in my body, but it didn't by that point in time.

By the last few months before parting ways with there, I became bored with it. They had asked me to categorize some notes and, reading back, my original work was *so* bad that a 10 year old could have done better (reading tuition and staff meeting minutes while extracting conclusions drawn within) - I simply didn't get it early on. Then what I wrote seemed clearer, then fine and dandy.

It was around this time that my former manager placed an offer before me : go and study to become a part time tutor to help give tuition one on one with clients (she saw my Chinese studies as a unique benefit to the library, I got the feeling). Initially, that seemed great, and like my life was beginning to improve. Then I got told the hours offered for the ridiculous payrate and my heart sunk. A few hours/week for pittance. I was getting experience there, but taking that offer would have encroached upon my alternative pursuit of looking for something to study now, ontop of ongoing rehab and my ongoing Chinese studies. It felt like they were trying to actually get a discount tutor before he became coherent enough to understand that, by pledging to them, I'd be pledging to them for a lengthy period of time and little renumeration.

I also got sexually approached by a middle aged man who I'd come to know (besides his sexual orientation, which is obviously opposite my own), as he said,
"So, you wanna come back to my place and, y'know..." to which, I initially suspected knowing what he meant, but said,
"What do you mean?"
"Y'know, man love"
I've never been hit on by a guy before and, though I didn't feel any anger, I was a little insulted that this middle aged man felt I was some kind of willing sexual prospect for him. It also felt degrading as it seemed at the time like he thought I was too simple to turn him down and I realized that his proposition was likely the reason he had been so nice to me for the months prior to that moment,
"Um," I began as I contemplated overreacting, but chose not to, "no thanks, I'm not gay". To which, he smiled a little oddly, walked out of the room, and I never saw him again,
'Do I seem that simple and innocent that this guy thinks I'd be interested in a man?,' I unconsciously thought with confusion, 'do I still appear as brain injured as I was when I begun here?'

The answer to both of those questions, I now see, is an emphaitic no. The middle aged man was simply trying his luck with the only guy working in the library (the rest are women). I was made to feel similarly brain injured to how I was at the beginning of the year because the other workers there had seen me in that more simple state early on and never really tried to see if I'd improved by the end - largely leaving me to my own devices and to figure the job out on my own which, might I add, I did.

In hindsight, I now see that I'm a young man who was in a workplace where young men tend not to work at, recovering from a potentially fatal/irrepairable brain injury, and so appeared both simple and therefore vulnerable to the sexual advances of a questionably minded homosexual man (questionable because he shouldn't be hitting on guys around 20 years his junior), and prejudicially categorized by the staff members there as 'a guy we can take advantage of and keep here as a lowly paid tutor obligated to stay a long time' (it's an obvious sentiment I got there).

As I contemplated leaving the job after discovering a course in sub editing I'm hoping to soon pursue, I entered a room of the library on one slow Tuesday afternoon and found a man sleeping on the floor after having turned off the lights in the room,
"What are you doing?" I asked as he stood up with a cheeky and suspicious looking grin on his face. I don't really know what that grin meant - whether he had some kind of predatory thoughts in his mind or whatever, but a colleague then walked in and asked if he was alright as he looked guilty and drifted out the door.

I think his motivations were creepy, and it was at that point where I decided to make like a farmer and get the flock out of that position.

ARAS discovered my intentions of not hanging around there and rang me on a couple of occasions saying, 'the computers are down, you're not needed today' - so I replied, on the second time that happened,
"I'm going to end my work experience there, may I put you down on my CV as a contactable reference?" - to which my boss agreed and we parted ways.

As I left, I realized that, although I feel much less brain injured than at the beginning of the year and, though I can even appear to be well most of the time, people had just deemed me to be mentally challenged and treated me accordingly - there was no going back from that point, I was the brain injured guy they had come to see me as being and it wasn't until the final weeks that I saw that.

I see now that I'm not the brain injured guy I appeared like at the beginning of being at ARAS, I'm simply a guy who appears like, 'there's something not quite right with him' - close, tentalizingly close, but no cigar....yet.

I look forward to my next challenge in work or study and now know it will go better than ARAS did, which wont be hard to achieve.

[faith]

Hi Daniel,
i will answer your question from our discussion on another page (you asked me something about...what things do i second guess myself about now?) by saying.... you describe it perfectly in your above entries.
the self doubt, the paranoid feelings and insecurities... i guess it is the constant self guessing that was not a part of my life before e that i find wears me down.

[Daniel]

I just wonder how this whole time actually reflects my detachment from social interaction. When there, I did largely keep to myself - not in a creepy, loner-type of way, just trying to concentrate upon what I was doing in order to get it right.

I've found that many people don't realize this and accuse me of being unsociable or too quiet when, in actual fact, I'm just doing my best to appear like anyone else - achieving this takes alot of energy and concentration right now so, to do that while also concentrate on a vocational task required of me and also try and be socially endearing is an incredibly difficult thing to achieve.

I chose, therefore, to prioritize. Here were the important things, as I saw them :

1 - Do the job right
2 - Appear as unhindered by brain injury as possible so that my future references wont draw attention to any residual brain injury-related deficits (ie if a future employer speaks with my former employer, she wont say that I was noticeably unwell on the job)
3 - Get to know colleagues (they were a dreary lot, anyway : there was a pretty secretary, though)

I realize (3) is important but, I think, therein is what I still struggle with : doing a job right and appearing to be as much at full health as I possibly can, is an incredibly challenging thing to achieve right now - doable, I reckon, but I often get a very paranoid, 'do I appear brain injured to this person right now?' - type of feeling.

I think that last sentence is really the bottom line which sums up how much recovery there is remaining for me. I've been largely ignored by former friends who should have been more proactive in remaining in touch and helping me regain the ability to trust my abilities to socially interact. Granted, I perhaps could have been more proactive myself in keeping in touch with them, but I tried to do that early on my attempts were met with repulsed avoidance, then noticeable guilt on their part as they realized I wasn't stuck the way I appeared back then.

I think isolation is an enormous part of recovering from brain injury : so much of getting well involves regaining self confidence and doing so requires those around to help provide feedback on how you appear at any one given time. Therefore, if the only feedback you get is people avoiding you, then how else should you feel but significantly lacking in self confidence?

This has hindered my recovery significantly and I hate them for creating this situation (the former friends) by not being there when I needed them. I adapted to not needing them, but it's cost alot in terms of now needing to regain self confidence, and the presentation of symptoms resulting from this self confidence has been a right bastard.

[Daniel]

I think something which has seemed apparent, which I've possibly rabbitted on about above, is the effect of nervousness. When I'm at home or online or at the gym, I *feel* normal and sane, probably because there's no reason to feel any discomfort - home is home, here and online I feel fine - even when someone says something disagreeable to me, it's just not the same nor as intimidating as when someone is right before you and literally in your face.
As for the gym - I've been going there for a long time now, the regulars there know me as do the trainers and they also know I'm not there to show off or pose, just exercise and improve, improve, improve, improve (well, you can see where this is going).

Yet, feeling uncomfortable is such an instant backward step in terms of cognitive ability : I felt less healthy at work because of feeling out of place, I felt less healthy when I went to see an old friend for the same reason : odd, considering I used to work where he does, that it should feel so out of place now.

When people say that brain injury recovery is all about 'just getting out and doing it' - like they're some kind of infomercial sales guru telling you something you hadn't already realized, it's as though they expect me to say,

"Halleleuah (spelling?), it's a miracle! My word, all I had to do was go out there and subject myself to incredible tension and discomfort resulting in my feeling like a complete basket case again, and possibly experiencing numerous bouts of presyncopal lightheadedness - thankyou, I needed to hear your insights into what is a good idea, now allow me to respond :

'Presyncopal lightheadedness feels like going from sober to drunk in 2 seconds with an instantaneous hangover of about 10 minutes duration. When it occurs, I lose control of my equilibrium, my vision literally splits in two while shaking violently, and it feels like something in my head is going to explode which, after being told that my initial diagnosis was a stroke, brings back the terror of 2005,6,7 and 8 and places it in 2009 - even if it's a mild and negligable attack, it makes the memory of that fear apparent once more.

Yet, here you are telling me to boldly go out there and take on life knowing what doing so will inevitably cause to occur and despite knowing that what I can do today was a pipedream a year ago, same as the year before that, and most notably the one prior to that one (first year of infection, in other words) - you tell me to go out there and just tempt all that to return and scratch your head with confusion when I hesitate?'......is how I respond, and how I think when this conversation arises. It shows how little those around understand about how this expletive of a symptom feels - I see it like one of those ankle bracelets criminals wear which alerts authorities when they overstep the boundaries set : presyncopal lightheadedness has made me feel like a prisoner in my own head, then house, then local neighbourhood, then all that plus the known areas of town, then that plus work.

It tentatively feels like the bracelet has been removed, but tentative just isn't strong enough for me. I *hate* this symptom with every ounce of my being. It's the proverbial reminder of brain injury as it makes those symptoms resurface like some deranged physical photoalbum of the last four years rolled into a few minutes.

Turning up to a workplace for 9 months, therefore, as I did this year, was tempting fate whenever I arrived there feeling horribly out of my comfort zone. I call this year mission accomplished, yet it still feels like I've been deemed by others as 'not good enough'

..hmmm

[Daniel]

I think the thing which I see most clearly to come out of this whole experience is one of prejudice and knowing when people see you as a simpleton or, instead, as a guy who's near full health after having been in a pretty dark place for (what's certainly felt to me) like a long time.

I'm constantly made to question myself,
"Do I appear more well than a year ago or are people just stringing along someone who seems like a child-like simpleton?" - I ask myself this almost daily at present because I have appeared and felt childlike before, yet now I don't and am made to remain feeling as such by people I irregularly have seen, while those I see all the time treat me like anyone else.

It's a real tough place to be, I find. I wanna literally punch people who speak down to me or address me like a 10 year old, but doing that would only justify that notion, so I smile and respectfully address such people in the hope they'll see that I'm now near health once again.

In my experience, the way those around treat someone with a brain injury perpetuates the length of time they remain in recovery. I now see this, and now also see that I no longer need to be subjected to this treatment, so I'll tolerate it for the meantime and watch it change for the better - not reacting angrily, I think, is something I've learned is a necessity and the mark of returned normality and thought processes : don't be angry, prove them wrong by being normal and getting more normal all the time, seems to be the lesson I've learned.

[Daniel]

I should also stress that in no way do I imply anything about the tendencies of homosexual men - everyone is a person and has their own preference, I simply meant that this guy was a middle aged man hitting on a guy in his 20s - that's creepy irrespective of whether you're straight or gay.

(Stated just in case anyone interprets my above writing as prejudicial towards the homosexual community, which was obviously unintended).